The True Value In Life is Connectedness To Others.
Is it normal to feel disconnected after having so much trauma?
THIS WEEK'S CHALLENGE ON ASK MAGDI
Dear Magdi,
I am a fifty something old First nation mother and grandmother.
My mother went to Residential School but I did not. Throughout my life I was traumatised so many ways that I don’t even think about it anymore. I was physically and sexually abused and my child was taken away from me by the system. These things have happened so often, that I don’t even feel like a victim anymore.
Is it normal to always feel disconnected from everything, all the time - from people and from my community?
Bernadette, Lower Nicola
YOUR TWO CENTS
Dear Bernadette,
It is normal for a person that’s been through so much trauma to feel disconnected with the world. It’s important to remember that you survived all of that and you represent hope to other people. To get better you need the right help and to find a way to let go of all the things that happened in your past. You should talk to an Elder and try to reconnect with your culture.
Anonymous
Dear Bernadette,
Thank you for sharing your painful story. Your situation and inquiry is very significant to reflect on and talk about. Like you, so many First Nations People have been sharing the painful and tragic legacy of Generational Trauma, maltreatment and abuse.
My answers here are based on the most recent scientific information, but holistic in nature and I hope they will imprint hope in you.
The answer to your question is yes, it is normal that after so much trauma you can feel disconnected from people and your community.
Most people who experienced trauma have great difficulties with proximity seeking and relating to others, this is a necessary adaptive reaction to traumatic experiences. After the survival of these ordeals, the ability to regulate one’s behaviour and to become more socially engaged is very difficult. Trauma disrupts the ability to feel safe with others and an over boundary style develops while connecting to people.
It is important for you to understand, that in distressing situations we instinctively use our survival resources to ensure us that we can make it through the traumatic events and this has been your strength. This survival resource, your over boundary connecting style, has helped you to endure and cope with what happened to you during trauma.
Although these survival resources helped you to endure very challenging situations, they have become habits and it is now better for you to replace them with creative resources.
You have already many creative resources within you: personal strength, competence in raising children and being a grandmother. Surviving all of these difficulties helped you become a strong, resilient problem solver who has become helpful to others in times of stress. As with most people with an over boundary style, you look self-sufficient and give off the aura of confidence and self-assurance. So how do you develop these creative resources to feel safer and connect to others with more trust?
The true value in our lives is connectedness with others. The good news is that you can be hopeful and make voluntary decisions to feeling safer with others.
Magdi
Dear Magdi,
I have recently lost 2 members of my family. It has been a difficult couple of years and I find myself focusing on their last difficult hours of life. These memories quite often torment me and have left me fearful of losing others in my life. How can I let go of these worried thoughts that consume me?
Carrie, Merritt
Thank you for reading our column. Please provide us new questions and YOUR TWO CENTS as well. This conversation and reflection will likely be helpful to many of our readers. Asking for help shows strength not weakness. I’d like to hear from you!
* All names have been changed to protect the privacy of our readers.
View the online article on the Merritt Herald website.
