This Week’s
Challenge
How do I deal with the neighbors that just moved in next door? They have been my friends for many years. Since moving in they seem to think that because I will help them any time possible, they can call me all the time to do whatever they need at the drop of a hat.
If I do not answer the phone they come over. They have relationship problems; they fight with each other and sometimes drink for days. What should I do to say “no” in a way that won’t be offensive to them? Thanks in advance for your advice!
Jessica, Merritt
YOUR TWO CENTS
In my opinion there is only one way to deal with these kinds of neighbours, to meet the problem head on.
In their sober moments you should talk to them firmly and tell them that their behaviour is not acceptable because it disturbs your privacy and they have to respect that.
This may result in losing their friendship, but it is better to live in peace and quiet, that to try to put up with their annoying behaviour.
MAGDI SAYS
Dear Jessica,
It is understandable that when your friends lived farther from you, you did not have to protect yourself from their chaotic lifestyle and they did not take advantage of you. Nevertheless, now that they live next door and they turn to you with all their problems, you must feel overwhelmed.
Setting boundaries, according to the inventor of the Somatic Experiential Therapy method – Peter Levine Ph.D., is a nonverbal, body based capability, which can be practiced and learned.
Please sit down with a long string which will be a representation of the boundary around you that you wish to develop with your friends. Notice, that you probably feel more comfortable with a large boundary. In this way you will become aware of your inside needs and this will motivate you to be more assertive with your friends.
Try to do self-care by looking after your important needs first and start to work on developing healthy boundaries with your friends. This means learning to say “No” to them.
For this learning process, sit down with a piece of paper and make a list of several of those situations, when you wish you had said “No” to them instead of saying “Yes”.
After creating the list, try to sense in your body the way you felt in the situations when you said “Yes”. You will more than likely become aware of some very uncomfortable feelings that don’t allow you to be yourself.
Now looking at each of the situations again, try to practice saying “No”. There are many different ways to say “No”.
The best way to do it is nonverbally. Using your body, give a stopping gesture with your hand, have a facial expression of looking tough and shaking or turning your head away.
Find those gestures which are comfortable for you. Notice how you feel in your body now? You will most certainly feel much better than when you said “Yes”.
In the future, whenever your neighbours ask something from you that you don’t want to do, practice your nonverbal expression and say “No” to them.
Try to understand that you have your own way of living. Finding comfortable distance from your friends and standing up assertively for your own needs is OK.
The best solution for your friends would be to find a good couples therapist to work through their communication problems as well.
NEXT WEEK’S
CHALLENGE
A year ago I was violently attacked with a knife by my ex-boyfriend. I recovered from the injuries, but my 9 year old daughter witnessed the traumatic incident. Before this event she was a very good student, calm and confident, but since this happened; she has a lot of behaviour problems in school. I wanted her to have counselling, but when the counsellor wanted to take her back to the scene of the crime (to help in the healing process), she became so scared that now she does not want to go to counselling. I don’t know how to help her. What can I do?
Theresa
Logan Lake
*Magdi is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) and Certified Canadian Counsellor (CCC) in Merritt, B.C. She is certified in teaching and using Interpersonal Neurobiology. Many of the strategies she shares are based on the works of Dr. Dan Siegel.
