THIS WEEK’S
CHALLENGE
Dear Magdi,
I am a single mother raising my daughter Carolyn alone. I am a professional. I support us financially and we have had to move a lot as part of my work.
The constant moving has not been good for my daughter. She is now 19 and it was hard for her to find good, lasting friendships.
When she became a teenager, she had a great need for friends but, unfortunately, found them amongst those who were using substances. She started to use hard drugs to please her peers. She has recently stopped, but we have lost our trustful, loving relationship. She blames me for moving so much, and it’s very painful to hear. How can we ever have a good relationship again?
Amanda,
Merritt
YOUR TWO CENTS
Try to figure out what makes your daughter happy and what is fun for her.
Try to search out things she likes to do. Even at age 19, she can engage in sports, music, and art or theatre activities.
Find out what her interests and passions are. If she is willing to engage in any of these activities, she may find herself some more valuable friends — friends who are interested in the same things she is. She can also take these skills with her wherever she moves.
MAGDI SAYS
Dear Amanda,
Being severely blamed by your daughter, who you love so much, must be very difficult for you to endure. You may even have regrets about moving so much. Nevertheless, your choice as a single mother seemed the best for both of you at that time.
Our environment shapes us. While growing up, your daughter frequently experienced the same situations over and over. After a short time, she developed trust with friends, but then had to leave them. This way she was never truly known by her peers.
For us to be known is one of the most important ways to attach with others and pursue closeness. Now she is blaming you for not having those meaningful and vital close connections. No matter how much you would like to, you are not able to change those past experiences now.
Here are some things that you can do in the future to repair the ruptures in your relationship:
1. To feel better, it is necessary to stop blaming yourself. Open your heart towards her, even if she is angry at you.
2. In her present reality, as an adolescent, she is still spending most of her time searching for her identity and her own values. She tells you straight forward what she thinks and she will even rebel against your views. This is normal for an adolescent. She thinks her beliefs are more valuable than yours.
3. Try to become PART of her life and establish a trustful, open relationship with her. PART is an acronym. It means to be Present, be Attuned, Resonate and develop Trust with your teen daughter.
This acronym was developed by the outstanding, worldwide-recognised psychiatrist, Dr. Dan Siegel. He also states, when an adolescent is treated with the respectful PART, this approach is an invitation to enable his/her own mind to thrive.
I am sure that nothing would feel better to you than to have your daughter thrive! I am also certain, that as time goes by, she will understand your sacrifice. She will understand that sometimes in life we have to make hard decisions, and that you needed to do what you did for both of you.
NEXT WEEK’S
CHALLENGE
How do I deal with the neighbors that just moved in next door? They have been my friends for many years.
Since moving in they seem to think that because I will help them anytime possible, they can call me all the time to do whatever the need at the drop of a hat. If I do not answer the phone they come over.
They have relationship problems; they fight with each other and sometimes drink for days. What should I do to say “no” in a way that won’t be offensive to them?
Thanks in advance for your advice!
Jessica,
Merritt
Magdi Tornyai is a clinical counsellor with a private practice, Safe Haven Holistic Counselling, in Merritt. If you have a question you would like Magdi to consider, or to write in with your two cents on a weekly challenge, write to magditornyai@gmail.com or newsroom@merrittherald.com. Submissions will be kept anonymous. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of our readers.
