THIS WEEK’S
CHALLENGE
Dear Magdi,
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. I felt we were very much in love when we first got married and I think we still love each other in a way, but I can’t seem to make him happy. He seems to find fault in everything I do. He tells me that if I would just change then we would be happy. I’ve tried to change and tried to make him happy, but it never seems to be enough.
He gets very angry and I never know what’s going to set him off. I feel like such a failure and that I am always walking on eggshells. Sometimes I feel like I am going to crazy. Is there any hope for our marriage?
Abigail
Merritt
YOUR TWO CENTS
It sounds like your husband is unhappy with his own life.
This may be the reason that he is needy and frustrated. He has to find something that can fulfill his needs and give his life meaning. This could help to improve his mood and also the relationship between you two.
MAGDI SAYS
It must be very difficult for you Abigail, to love someone and try to please them for 10 years, and despite your love towards each other, you are still not happy.
In my opinion, it is very important for you two to find a good couple counsellor. If you or your husband aren’t comfortable asking for professional guidance, you must make a commitment to try to learn the “Language of Compassion”, developed by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg.
Your husband needs to understand that his needs will never be met if he continues to blame and criticize you. People use this language when we are desperate.
Our needs will never be met through bullying, and over time your spouse will be less and less open to hearing you. No one wants to hear a negative messages, this kind of communication is called life alienating.
When someone sends us negative massage, we generally have four different responses:
1. Defend ourselves by blaming and criticizing the other.
2. Blame and criticise ourselves for not doing the right things.
3. Connect with our own heart to understanding our feelings and needs.
4. Try to understand the feelings and needs behind the negative massages and have empathy and understanding toward the other person.
Try not to use the first two choices at all in your relationship, but practice three and four. This type of compassionate communication can help build your loving relationship and develop insight and empathy with each other.
NEXT WEEK’S
CHALLENGE
I am a single mother raising my daughter Carolyn alone. I am a professional, I support us financially and we have had to move a lot as part of my work.
The constant moving has not been good for my daughter — she is now 19 years old and it was hard for her to find good, lasting friendships.
When she became a teenager she had a great need for friends, but unfortunately found them amongst those who were using substances. She started to use hard drugs to please her peers and has recently stopped, but we have lost our trustful, loving relationship. She blames me for moving so much and it’s very painful to hear. How can we ever have a good relationship again?
Amanda
Merritt
Magdi Tornyai is a clinical counsellor with a private practice, Safe Haven Holistic Counselling, in Merritt. If you have a question you would like Magdi to consider, or to write in with your two cents on a weekly challenge, write to magditornyai@gmail.com or newsroom@merrittherald.com. Submissions will be kept anonymous. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of our readers.
