It Is Difficult to Forget and Forgive
You can't prevent the waves but you can learn to sail.
THIS WEEK'S CHALLENGE ON ASK MAGDI
Dear Magdi,
I am 56 years old and I still struggle with forgiving my mother for my childhood. I was the oldest of my two siblings and as a child my mother did not meet my emotional needs. I was fortunate to have a loving father and grandmother, but only saw my dad on weekends. I can’t seem to let go of my strong desire or yearning for my mother’s love, which I missed growing up. It is even more difficult at Xmas, as this was the time in my family that seemed to upset my mother the very most. I did not understand why she was upset a lot, she didn’t tell me until I was an adult that she had been severely traumatized and abused in her teen years. I try to tell myself, that I was lucky to have two parents, but there are times when this self-talk does not work and I begin to feel hurt and angry. Do you have any suggestions how I can help myself to change my thinking? I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. Thanks.
Suzanne, Merritt
It is never easy to bridge the gap in a broken or strained relationship. I believe the best way to heal is to share your feelings with love and compassion. Make the decision to share your heart with your mom and let her know how you feel in a loving way. Be sure to let her know that you love her and explain what you desire in the relationship. Try to put yourself in her shoes. Once you have shared your heart, the rest is up to her. You can’t force people to change into who you would like them to be. But with ongoing love, forgiveness, acceptance, all things can change.
Anonymous
Thank you very much for sharing your challenge with me and our readers!
Childhood abandonment, neglect and trauma thoroughly influence and shape who we are. Neuroscience and attachment research proves that our relationship to our primary caregivers and the kind of relationships we had with them influence our development and wellbeing. With conscious practices and choices, we are able to earn secure attachment status and have healthy relationships as parents and spouses and let go of insecure attachment forms.
Often we angrily demand what we need when caregivers do not pay attention to us. Demanding what you need through anger (disorganized attachment) can help you in those days to survive, it becomes your survival resource.
“Your body keeps the score” of your hurtful experiences and anger. If you want to change your thoughts and feelings, you need to change the approach you use to overcome your problems.
My suggestion to you is to learn and practice somatic skills and meditation and in time, these practices will help you to find solutions to overcome your feelings of anger and hurt.
I hope this helps Suzanne.
Magdi
Dear Magdi,
I have a daughter who I raised myself with love and care . We had a very close relationship. At the present time she is enjoying an executive career in a big corporate company. It seems the success has made her forget all the support I gave her. When I hear from her, the conversation is only a few text messages. 3 of her relationships ended recently and this has broken her heart. She has told me that she is afraid of being close to me because if I died she feels she wouldn't survive.
How can I re-establish the closeness that I had with her and have her communicate more empathetically with me?
Steven, Merritt
Thank you for reading our column. Please provide us new questions and YOUR TWO CENTS as well. This conversation and reflection will likely be helpful to many of our readers. Asking for help shows strength not weakness. I’d like to hear from you!
* All names have been changed to protect the privacy of our readers.
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