Find Out the Why Behind the No

Find out the “Why” Behind the “No!”

Is your child trying to tell you something?

THIS WEEK’s CHALLENGE ON ASK MAGDI.

Dear Magdi,

We are very tired of fighting my 7-year old son Daniel every evening. We have been trying to put him in his own bed as he wants to sleep between me and my husband in our bed. He has a very nice room and he likes to play there during the day, but as soon as the evening comes and I ask him to go to his comfortable bed, he refuses. This is very hard on me and my husband and we are running out of ideas on what we can do.

Elene

Merritt

YOUR TWO CENTS

In my opinion, from early on a child should have a regular bed time ritual. The parents should take the child to bed and read him/her bedtime stories or listen to music and should stay with the child until he/she falls asleep. In this way the child would look forward to going to bed and have these comfortable experiences with the parent. 

Murray

Merritt

MAGDI SAYS

Dear Elene,

Not being able to put your son in his own bed must be very difficult and frustrating for you and your husband. Believe it or not, this same problem causes many parents  frustration. You are not alone. I hope the ideas I suggest to you here will be helpful in getting Daniel to sleep in his own bed. 

1. In this problem-solving process your first task is to talk about the bed time situation with your son. I am sure you have already tried this, but the difference this time will be that you will talk to him about when you are having a relaxed, fun time together. This way he is not going to be in a highly defensive mood again and say “No!” to you. 
2. In these relaxed moments, ask him with empathy: “Daniel, we’ve noticed it is very hard for you to sleep in your own bed. What’s up?” Every time you start this conversation it must be with empathy. You must let your  nonverbal communication show him that you want to help him, that you understand and want to know his feelings and thoughts regarding this issue,  instead of wanting to control him and tell him what to do. Only after this empathetic connection is made, is he going to open up to you and put his own bedtime issues on the table and talk about his feelings and needs. Most of the time children have valid concerns when they say “No!” As parents, we just need to listen to the ‘Why” behind it. In Daniel’s situation, his concerns could originate from many things.  His why could be that he sees scary images in the dark and he is not able to quiet down his mind when he is alone in his bedroom at bedtime. He might be afraid of shadows or sounds and for this reason he can’t go to sleep on his own. 
3.  After you have empathetically listened and now understanding his subjective world, he is will become calm and able to listen to YOU with empathy. This way you can tell him your own valid concerns as well, and why you think it is not good for him to sleep in your bed every night instead of his own. 
4. Now that both of your concerns have been shared, you can ask him how he thinks these problems could be solved in a way that both of your concerns are going to be addressed. He could find a solution, which you might think is realistic and doable, or you could help him brainstorm solutions further and find a solution to the problem collaboratively. 
5. This way Daniel will be committed to try to actualise his own plan. If this initial plan does not work, you can come together again and encourage him to find another, more realistic solution to the problem. It is also very helpful for a child to solve problems in a way that promises playful experiences; as playfulness makes our children more open and perceptive.

I think if we understand the why behind our children saying “No!”, the better we will be at helping them to solve problems and to change their behaviour. To achieve this, we need to connect with them empathically, with their feelings and subjective experience first. 

I hope this helps Elene.

NEXT WEEK’S CHALLENGE

My 9 year old son George’s bedroom is a disaster. He does not help me with the housekeeping chores at all and I am tired of picking up after him and doing all the little things that he is supposed to do for himself. I often have to nag him to do even the simplest tasks, we both end up being very frustrated and fighting with each other. I have tried many things, like yelling at him, making deals, giving him allowance, taking away his privileges, nothing has worked. He says chores are boring and, after having supper or during the weekends, he spends most of his time in his room. He plays video games, listening to rap music and he also likes creating rap music himself. He is very musical. Please let me know what we can do to communicate with him more positively so that he will listen to us.  Thank you. 

Sylvia

Merritt

Thank you for reading our column. Please provide us new questions and YOUR TWO CENTS as well. This conversation and reflection will likely be helpful to many of our readers. Asking for help shows strength not weakness. I’d like to hear from you! 

* All names have been changed to protect the privacy of our readers.

View the online version on the Merritt Herald website.