THIS WEEK’S CHALLENGE
A year ago I was violently attacked with a knife by my ex-boyfriend. I recovered from the injuries, but my nine-year-old daughter witnessed the traumatic incident. Before this event she was a very good student, calm and confident, but since this happened; she has many behaviour problems in school. I wanted her to have counselling, but when the counsellor wanted to take her back to the scene of the crime (to help in the healing process), she became so scared that now she does not want to go to counselling. I don’t know how to help her. What can I do?
Theresa
Logan Lake
YOUR TWO CENTS
In my opinion your daughter needs a good counsellor to overcome her anxiety and her inner healing can take place. Living through a shocking event must have left a deep scar in her mind and spirit. In order to put this traumatic event behind her she must understand that she needs professional help.
MAGDI SAYS
Dear Theresa,
I am so sorry to hear about the ordeal that you and your daughter went through. When someone is traumatised or suffers chronic abuse, the shocking experiences violate the person’s trust. After a brutal event it is very difficult for anyone to feel safe, learn to trust and to open up to a counsellor.
Regarding your daughter’s behaviour problems at school, it is important to know that the reactive behaviour of a trauma survivor is not calculated nor chosen. She has reactive behaviour because her body’s Automatic Nervous System (ANS) sensed danger and shut down. Trauma promotes “impaired neuroception”, so that even positive, kind faces can look scary. The victim wants to stop virtually everyone from coming close. This is the adaptive function of a traumatised person who does not want to get hurt again.
Stephen Porges, PhD states that “faulty neuroceptions” are not conscious in us. It is our bodies that do not feel safe and react when it detects risk in the environment.
A child who suffered trauma, like your daughter, really wants to have close relationships, but her body says no.
So how can you help reset your child’s nervous system to enable her to seek professional help?
Explain exactly what happened to your daughter, to help her make sense of the whole narrative. Finish it with a positive end, telling her how happy you are that she listened to her body and that she is safe and alive!
Inform your daughter and her school environment that trauma survivors develop faulty neuroceptions, and that she has a biological reaction first and only later does she consciously make sense of what happened. Her teachers and peers can help by paying attention to their facial expressions and voice tones.
Children with trauma have great difficulty with proximity seeking and feeling calm and relaxed in interactions.
Even once a highly regarded counsellor is chosen; it will take significant time for your daughter to feel safe.
Her trauma will heal easier, if she has a secure attachment to you. Spend time trying to understand her feelings and talk to her about her thoughts and memories. “Develop the language of the mind” in your relationship, as Dr. Daniel Siegel says.
You can help your daughter to develop tool kits necessary to feel safer in school. Learn deep breathing exercises to consciously slow down her breathing by speaking in longer sentences. Allowing her to listen to soft music also helps.
Learning to play a wind instrument can also regulate the body of a child.
Having a therapy pet at home can teach her to talk in a very gentle voice and this will help her to become calmer.
Try to create a safe environment for your daughter and keep in mind, the quote of Dr. Stephen Porges: “Feeling safe is the treatment of trauma”. I hope this information will be helpful to you both.
NEXT WEEK’S CHALLENGE
I am a 17 year old Aboriginal high school student. In an accident 3 years ago I lost my 14 year old cousin who was the closest person to me in my life. He lived with us; we were together all the time and had so much laughter. The anniversary of his death is coming up and I can’t stop crying. Counselling could not help me. What can I do?
Thomas
Merritt
Magdi is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) and Certified Canadian Counsellor (CCC) in Merritt, B.C. She is certified in teaching and using interpersonal neurobiology. Many of the strategies she shares are based on the works of Dr. Dan Siegel.
