Healing the Heart with the Brain in Mind

Healing the Heart with the Brain in Mind.

Have more COAL: Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance and Love in our Relationships. 

THIS WEEK'S CHALLENGE ON ASK MAGDI

Dear Magdi,

I have a daughter who I raised myself with love and care . We had a very close relationship. At the present time she is enjoying an executive career in a big corporate company. It seems the success has made her forget all the support I gave her. When I hear from her, the conversation is only a few text messages.  3 of  her relationships ended recently and this has broken her heart. She has told me that she is afraid of being close to me because if I died she feels she wouldn't survive.

How can I re-establish the closeness that I had with her and have her communicate more empathetically with me? 

Steven, Merritt

YOUR TWO CENTS

You've already established that close relationship with your daughter & she knows you love & care about her dearly. Maybe your daughter needs counselling to get her back on the tracks again, but also to appreciate her only parent. Sometimes we have to let go (for a while) of our children's hands & feelings, so they can "feel" the distance & accordingly appreciate our existence, our love & our care towards them. She has to show you (in her own time) that she's dependant on you equally & needs you the same way you need her. You don't need to re-establish that closeness in empathy. Sometimes the best reaction is not to react at all!

Anonymous

MAGDI TORNYAI SAYS

Dear Steven,

Thank you very much for sharing your challenge with me and our readers!

I have good news! You can re-establish the closeness that you had with your daughter and communicate again with her more empathically.

You have had a great relationship with your daughter in the past, but now she is afraid to be emotionally close to you, because she is afraid of losing you. Her overwhelming fear shows that the abandonments she experienced in her three previous romantic relationships, caused her feelings of loss and extreme emotional pain.  She now feels it is safer to live without emotional closeness.

Due to this painful history and fear of loss, she stopped being open emotionally and focused entirely on her work. This is not healthy.

The human brain has right and left sides that have evolved over millions of years. We developed two hemispheres with two different ways of processing; the cognitive and the emotional.  Although the left side differs from the right, the two physically separated sides are connected to each other. This separation enables each side of the brain to function somewhat independently.

The left mode processing is logical, linguistic, cognitive reasoning in nature.

The right mode processing is holistic, understanding others emphatically through facial expression, eye contact, posture, gesture and with spontaneous raw emotions.

Healing, as well as healthy living, requires the presence of both right and left modes of processing.

The cultural constrains of the corporate world where your daughter works privileges cognition and reason, often at the expense of emotions. As a result of her emotionally hurtful experiences, the “left mode processing” proved to be safer to her.

Changes can be made to help her become open with her emotions towards you again.

• Meet her in person in order to repair your relationship. This way you will be able to communicate with her, in the right mode processing, in a holistic way, with empathy, the use of facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, body language, posture, gesture
• The best attitude toward your daughter and towards our children as parents is to temporarily downside our expectations and have the attitude of COAL - Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance and Love
• Be open and accepting of what is happening in her life, let go of your expectations
• It will be challenging  to let go of your expectation mindset, but it will enable you to become mindfully aware of what is happening in your daughter’s life. Use the attitude of COAL and you will be able to reconnect with her emotionally again.

Thanks for your challenge Steven, I hope this helps.

Magdi

NEXT WEEK'S CHALLENGE

Dear Magdi,

I would like to get your advice. My grandson Michael is 10 years old and has been on a large dose of psychotropic medication since the age of 5 in order to help him to control his angry outbursts.

His father and mother who were both addicted to cocaine and he often experienced traumatic and shocking events at an early age. I think these past experiences made him reactive. When he has these explosive episodes, he often refers to the past events.

Can he get therapeutic treatment for his early traumas to help him become less angry and reactive?  I am very worried about the long term effect of the use of  drugs on his young brain. 

Marlene, Merritt

Thank you for reading our column. Please provide us new questions and YOUR TWO CENTS as well. This conversation and reflection will likely be helpful to many of our readers. Asking for help shows strength not weakness. I’d like to hear from you!

* All names have been changed to protect the privacy of our readers.

View the online article on the Merritt Herald website.